In my head again?

Welcome back =). Please don't leave again.

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A long time ago, in the summer of 2008, I met some new friends. These friends weren't like any other friends I used to have. These friends would become the first that would lift me up in times of sorrow. These friends would also help me always put others before myself. Yet over the years, I drifted apart from them and they from me. There is only one left that I still try to stay in contact with. It's not working out too well but it's better than nothing. I loved these friends with all my heart. I used to mean something to them, I used to be needed. Now, I'm almost forgotten, my deeds disintegrating. Who would remember what I did for them? Who would remember how I lifted them up and how they lifted me up? Who would remember those long nights and the comfort that was given? Huh.

...Who would indeed...

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Well, it's me again. What more do I get to whine about today? Letsee... I only got one little spatch I gotta say. I'm such an optimist, it's almost sickening. I keep saying that I won't fall in love again, or even have feelings for a girl again, but unfortunately, they keep coming back. There's this one girl at my work who I find to be attractive, both in physical form and personality. She smiles at me every time I walk by and I can't help but laugh every time she does smile at me. I always ask, "What'd I do?" She'd say, "Oh nothing." I'd say afterwards, "You always smile at me every time I walk by. It makes me feel like I did something that I don't know about." She would turn her head to the bags, still grinning. I better not be falling. That's the last thing I need. Another relationship that will last only two months. Wonderful. What'll even be worse is when I can not tell her how I feel. Oh crap. I'm feeling.

-250

Pretty sad that I can't let go of this blog huh? It is extremely theraputic for me. It helps me get all my thoughts out so I can sleep well. Hmm, where do I begin? Well, it feels like I won't ever amount to anything. My dad gave me this long talk about how I'm lucky that I'm a Native American because of all the scholarships that I could get. What's the use of that when I'm just a lazy kid? There's all this potential money that I could get but I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. You can thank my mom's genes for that one. I just... I don't know. There's just too much that I want. I want to be free of the addiction that holds me bound, I want to go to a school that actually has an excellent music program, I want to have my life all figured out. There's one thing I don't want. I don't want to fall in love ever again. I'd rather live my life alone. What woman would possibly want me when I'm still fighting my addiction? None. I don't deserve one. I don't want one. I hope I'm meant to spend my life alone. I could get a cabin of my own and I could provide for just myself.
Am I being selfish? Most likely so. I just want to live a happy life or at the least, be content with what I have. I want to find that girl that will complete me in every way and legitimitely love me and not just because of the attention I give her.

Will I get these things? Mostly. Just not the girl.

-250

I've decided that my blog is far too depressing and it definitely needs a change. So therefore, I shall make a new blog with a whole new purpose, which shall be explained in it's newest post. So see you later!

Comment on Adam Young's (Owl City) Blog Post; August 29th, 2011 at 6:13 p.m. (http://owlcityblog.com/2011/08/29/all-about-us-2/#comment-204642)
Addendum says:

September 5, 2011 at 6:38 am

Hello dear friend :D

As one musician to another, this collaboration brought a very beautiful result. I hope for two things.

One: Perhaps we shall see more amazing collaborations with other artists :). It matters not who it is with, as long as something truly amazing is brought about and if you find joy within it.

Two: Perhaps one day we shall collaborate. Hahaha, it may seem like a dream that could possibly never be realized, but I have hope. I may be a simple cellist and a composer, but maybe someday I’ll have the honor of joining you in creating a new song that will remain with us for the rest of our lives, and beyond.

Hahaha, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this at all. It’s much like my belief in Santa Claus and the Polar Express. However, there is that small part of me that believes that they are real. That same part believes that perhaps you’ll stumble upon this post and wonder who this stranger is. When that day comes, be sure to tell me, eh?

Very sincerely your brother in Christ,

Addendum

The boy found himself walking in some distant land. Walking along the side of a road with no sign of civilization in sight. He kept on walking. As he walked on, he reflected upon past memories. He forsook all companionship, all his friendships, all for one purpose. To find himself and to find salvation for himself. He gave it all up for an addiction that he continued to fight. A war that never seemed to end. Perhaps, he first thought, if he left it all behind, he would never have to revert back to his addiction and suffer another relapse.  If he left it behind, he wouldn't have to feel the heartbreak that came with love, or ever fear of losing his friends. Now that he's here, the boy wondered if this is what he really wanted. If he really wanted to wander for the rest of his life, with no family or friends to visit with him. He was almost certain that this is what he wanted. This was for his salvation. If there was no temptation, there was no suffering, no anger, and no depression. He would never have to feel hurt ever again.

Is this what I want?

-250

A boy with a clouded heart, who tries to do what's right.
A boy with a heart of gold, who fell into the darkness and fought his way back into the light.
A girl with a bright heart, who loves without thought.
A girl with a loving heart, who learned to trust without fear.
A girl with a light heart, who loves the fantasy world.

Five hearts, dear, and beloved.

-250

Love is always near us. It never abandons us. We sometimes don't see it because it hides in plain sight.

-250

Well, it's been a while since I was last back here.  The thunderstorms visited me more than twice in a week.  It always brought me peace of mind and comfort.  I have recently been looking back upon my life and upon these previous blog posts and I figured out why I was able to write stuff like that.  It was because of her, who I shall never speak of again, never talk to again, and hopefully, never see again.  Why am I being so cruel? Because I was the one that drove her away. I tried to get close to her, earn her approval, and rushed it instead of taking my time to try to be her friend. For this, she told me to leave her alone for I was a nuisance. I don't blame her. However, it hurt a lot.

It's a curious thing. Everytime something bad like this happens, I find later that there was a lesson that I was supposed to learn from these unpleasant experiences. Before I often wondered why I was supposed to meet her and then drive her away unintentionally. Now I understand why. It was so I could learn to keep my distance and learn patience. That's how I won the other girl's heart and caused me to love again.

There are times though when I wonder what could've happened if only I had kept my distance. But I don't let it trouble me or concern me. For those who are wrapped up in the past will surely miss the future. I still wonder how she is and if she's doing well. I don't hate her or even dislike her. I just can't help but wonder if she's alright.

-250

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man I used to be.
But if my Savior comes would you let him know,
I've gone away for to save my soul.

-250

The lover had to know,
She begs him not to go.
The fighter wraps his ghost,
The fighter says "I know, I know, I know."
Just this one last time,
I swear you'll still be mine.
But he can't promise much,
He calls for one last touch,
one last touch.

Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.

The fighter goes inside,
Dark is creeping in.
He screams with all his might,
And all that might again.
And she's in love with you,
That love was always real.
He never even saw the squeak,
She calls out his name, calls his name.

Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.

-250

Life begins on Wednesday. I move out from my home and move into my apartment. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. What unexpected surprises that will come my way or the life changing events that will begin to define me. Am I concerned with my love life? No. Whatever happens, happens. If I do find love, then brilliant. If not, then so be it.

-250

Long time no see. I graduate in less than two weeks.  I am halfway done with my Eagle Project.  Did I also mention that I am stressed out of my freaking mind?  I keep having all these doubts in my head, all these nagging little things that are killing me. 
I recently had a dream about "9 instead of 24" and it involved a cello with it and it is bugging the heck out of me because it seems to me that I know what it means, I just don't remember. 
There are some friends to which I hold very dearly to my heart.  Unfortunately, I'm getting that I had with old friends that lived in Smithfield.  And it is scaring me to death.  I don't want to let go of another set.  Not again.  If it is inevitable, then so be it.  Don't expect to enjoy it one bit.
The Eagle project is halfway done.  It is bugging me.  There are some certain things that seem to start blocking it up.  It's not going to stop me though. It may stress the heck out of me but it won't stop me from completing it.

I hope I can keep it together.  I will be counting on the rain to relieve me of my stress, like it always has.

-250

There's too much going on right now.  There's too much to get done and there's not enough time to do it.  I met a girl that threw my life out of balance.  I'm so lost right now.  I have my bloody Eagle project to worry about and the deadline is slowly coming upon me.  I'm feeling a lot of pressure from those who want me to get this done and it's taking its toll on me.  I'm stressed out of my freaking mind.


The girl.  She is wonderful.  However, she's throwing everything out of wack, much more so than anyone else I've known.  I want to be around her because she makes me feel genuinely happy and feel really awesome.  What makes me sad is that I won't be the one to win her heart, mainly because I don't deserve her love or her at all.

What I really need is to leave.  I need to get out of here, live out on the road.  I don't like being rooted here, I need to go.  I just want to wander the forests and deserts without any fear of being lost or being found.  I just want to wander the woods in peace, without a care in the world.



-250

Hey, me, as always.  I don't know what to think anymore.  I want to tell her what I truly feel about her but I remember the last time I tried to become to involved in someone's life.  I ended up getting burned, another page just thrown into the fire, never to be remembered again, never to be mentioned again.  I don't want to become close to her either.  I'm afraid that the more I become involved, the more I... ... I can't even say the word anymore.  I threw it around too much.  So much that I don't understand the meaning anymore.  I don't even remember what it feels like to be held in such high esteem, to have someone who cares about you in a special way.  I want to be able to feel like that again.  To feel like that I really mean something to someone, instead of being tossed aside like a paper wad.  But, I'm only a teenager.  That means I'm not mature enough for these kinds of feelings.  I'm more than aware of that fact and I hate it.  I know that I'm not ready, but...I just want to know that I'm not dead to those feelings.  I want to know if I can still feel.  Instead of guilt, I want to feel purity.
Let's be honest, I'm not going to get the things I want, no matter how much I wish for it.  Move on? I hope so. 
Maybe...Living alone won't be such a bad thing.

-250

"You should always write the name of the person you love in a circle, not a heart, because hearts break and circles last forever." - Unknown.

I guess you can kind of figure what this is about.  I know this one girl.  She is beautiful beyond description and she's like an angel upon the earth.  She's a very happy person, she's a music lover, and she's in constant fascination with the rain and snow.  Her personality is just amazing.  She's just amazing in general.  What she doesn't realize, however, is what she really means to me.  Whenever I'm around her, I always feel happy, uplifted, and makes me want to be a much better person.  Rarely do people do that for me.  Another thing she does, which she'll never know, is that she protects me.  The devil recently came to tempt me with an old sin that often got me in the past.  This time, he didn't win.  What drove him away this time was the thought of her.  She somehow was like a defense or a shield that protected me.  There's only one other person who did that for me.  His name is Jesus Christ.  Another thing she unknowingly did was this: I recently got into a kind of a fight with my sister and we didn't speak to each other for about 5 minutes.  Why 5 minutes?  I somehow imagined the girl gently scolding me and told me to forgive my sister.  Which I did. 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to show my gratitude to her for what she unknowingly did.  One, it'd be creepy if I told her.  Two, sometimes, it's better if these things stay quiet and within my own mind.  Regardless, thank you beautiful angel.  You're one of the angels I was asking for in prayer.  If I'm not the one that wins your heart, then I wish the man who does with the best of luck and blessings of a long and happy life with you.


-250

There is a place,
Where we turn to for comfort
To seek sanctuary from the world
A place we've known all our lives.

There is a place,
Where we know happiness exists
Where there is no pain or sadness
Where we can be loved as us.

Where is this place?

There is a place,
That we can't even dream of
A place where all sorrows end
A place where despair can not dwell.

There is a place,
That has the greenest hills and trees
That has the bluest sky
That has the brightest sunny day.

Is there such a place?

There is a place,
Where love envelopes us
And holds us close in her arms
And chases all our nightmares away.

Est locus,
Est gaudio
Ubi dicimus in Music
Ubi summa regnat Christus

Existit locus iste

Reperiemus id

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbVke4sOPtQ
(The House at Swamp Bottom)
Note: Listen and reread while listening.
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Why remember the past? Cause there's good memories too.
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Turn on the music, crank up the volume, bring up the bass, get in a rocketship and explore all the Galaxies.  The Owls in the City are already gone, don't fall behind.


-250