Well, it's been a while since I was last back here.  The thunderstorms visited me more than twice in a week.  It always brought me peace of mind and comfort.  I have recently been looking back upon my life and upon these previous blog posts and I figured out why I was able to write stuff like that.  It was because of her, who I shall never speak of again, never talk to again, and hopefully, never see again.  Why am I being so cruel? Because I was the one that drove her away. I tried to get close to her, earn her approval, and rushed it instead of taking my time to try to be her friend. For this, she told me to leave her alone for I was a nuisance. I don't blame her. However, it hurt a lot.

It's a curious thing. Everytime something bad like this happens, I find later that there was a lesson that I was supposed to learn from these unpleasant experiences. Before I often wondered why I was supposed to meet her and then drive her away unintentionally. Now I understand why. It was so I could learn to keep my distance and learn patience. That's how I won the other girl's heart and caused me to love again.

There are times though when I wonder what could've happened if only I had kept my distance. But I don't let it trouble me or concern me. For those who are wrapped up in the past will surely miss the future. I still wonder how she is and if she's doing well. I don't hate her or even dislike her. I just can't help but wonder if she's alright.

-250

Tell my brother please not to look for me
I ain't the man I used to be.
But if my Savior comes would you let him know,
I've gone away for to save my soul.

-250

The lover had to know,
She begs him not to go.
The fighter wraps his ghost,
The fighter says "I know, I know, I know."
Just this one last time,
I swear you'll still be mine.
But he can't promise much,
He calls for one last touch,
one last touch.

Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.

The fighter goes inside,
Dark is creeping in.
He screams with all his might,
And all that might again.
And she's in love with you,
That love was always real.
He never even saw the squeak,
She calls out his name, calls his name.

Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.

-250

Life begins on Wednesday. I move out from my home and move into my apartment. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. What unexpected surprises that will come my way or the life changing events that will begin to define me. Am I concerned with my love life? No. Whatever happens, happens. If I do find love, then brilliant. If not, then so be it.

-250

Long time no see. I graduate in less than two weeks.  I am halfway done with my Eagle Project.  Did I also mention that I am stressed out of my freaking mind?  I keep having all these doubts in my head, all these nagging little things that are killing me. 
I recently had a dream about "9 instead of 24" and it involved a cello with it and it is bugging the heck out of me because it seems to me that I know what it means, I just don't remember. 
There are some friends to which I hold very dearly to my heart.  Unfortunately, I'm getting that I had with old friends that lived in Smithfield.  And it is scaring me to death.  I don't want to let go of another set.  Not again.  If it is inevitable, then so be it.  Don't expect to enjoy it one bit.
The Eagle project is halfway done.  It is bugging me.  There are some certain things that seem to start blocking it up.  It's not going to stop me though. It may stress the heck out of me but it won't stop me from completing it.

I hope I can keep it together.  I will be counting on the rain to relieve me of my stress, like it always has.

-250

There's too much going on right now.  There's too much to get done and there's not enough time to do it.  I met a girl that threw my life out of balance.  I'm so lost right now.  I have my bloody Eagle project to worry about and the deadline is slowly coming upon me.  I'm feeling a lot of pressure from those who want me to get this done and it's taking its toll on me.  I'm stressed out of my freaking mind.


The girl.  She is wonderful.  However, she's throwing everything out of wack, much more so than anyone else I've known.  I want to be around her because she makes me feel genuinely happy and feel really awesome.  What makes me sad is that I won't be the one to win her heart, mainly because I don't deserve her love or her at all.

What I really need is to leave.  I need to get out of here, live out on the road.  I don't like being rooted here, I need to go.  I just want to wander the forests and deserts without any fear of being lost or being found.  I just want to wander the woods in peace, without a care in the world.



-250

Hey, me, as always.  I don't know what to think anymore.  I want to tell her what I truly feel about her but I remember the last time I tried to become to involved in someone's life.  I ended up getting burned, another page just thrown into the fire, never to be remembered again, never to be mentioned again.  I don't want to become close to her either.  I'm afraid that the more I become involved, the more I... ... I can't even say the word anymore.  I threw it around too much.  So much that I don't understand the meaning anymore.  I don't even remember what it feels like to be held in such high esteem, to have someone who cares about you in a special way.  I want to be able to feel like that again.  To feel like that I really mean something to someone, instead of being tossed aside like a paper wad.  But, I'm only a teenager.  That means I'm not mature enough for these kinds of feelings.  I'm more than aware of that fact and I hate it.  I know that I'm not ready, but...I just want to know that I'm not dead to those feelings.  I want to know if I can still feel.  Instead of guilt, I want to feel purity.
Let's be honest, I'm not going to get the things I want, no matter how much I wish for it.  Move on? I hope so. 
Maybe...Living alone won't be such a bad thing.

-250