A long time ago, in the summer of 2008, I met some new friends. These friends weren't like any other friends I used to have. These friends would become the first that would lift me up in times of sorrow. These friends would also help me always put others before myself. Yet over the years, I drifted apart from them and they from me. There is only one left that I still try to stay in contact with. It's not working out too well but it's better than nothing. I loved these friends with all my heart. I used to mean something to them, I used to be needed. Now, I'm almost forgotten, my deeds disintegrating. Who would remember what I did for them? Who would remember how I lifted them up and how they lifted me up? Who would remember those long nights and the comfort that was given? Huh.
Well, it's me again. What more do I get to whine about today? Letsee... I only got one little spatch I gotta say. I'm such an optimist, it's almost sickening. I keep saying that I won't fall in love again, or even have feelings for a girl again, but unfortunately, they keep coming back. There's this one girl at my work who I find to be attractive, both in physical form and personality. She smiles at me every time I walk by and I can't help but laugh every time she does smile at me. I always ask, "What'd I do?" She'd say, "Oh nothing." I'd say afterwards, "You always smile at me every time I walk by. It makes me feel like I did something that I don't know about." She would turn her head to the bags, still grinning. I better not be falling. That's the last thing I need. Another relationship that will last only two months. Wonderful. What'll even be worse is when I can not tell her how I feel. Oh crap. I'm feeling.
Pretty sad that I can't let go of this blog huh? It is extremely theraputic for me. It helps me get all my thoughts out so I can sleep well. Hmm, where do I begin? Well, it feels like I won't ever amount to anything. My dad gave me this long talk about how I'm lucky that I'm a Native American because of all the scholarships that I could get. What's the use of that when I'm just a lazy kid? There's all this potential money that I could get but I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. You can thank my mom's genes for that one. I just... I don't know. There's just too much that I want. I want to be free of the addiction that holds me bound, I want to go to a school that actually has an excellent music program, I want to have my life all figured out. There's one thing I don't want. I don't want to fall in love ever again. I'd rather live my life alone. What woman would possibly want me when I'm still fighting my addiction? None. I don't deserve one. I don't want one. I hope I'm meant to spend my life alone. I could get a cabin of my own and I could provide for just myself.
Am I being selfish? Most likely so. I just want to live a happy life or at the least, be content with what I have. I want to find that girl that will complete me in every way and legitimitely love me and not just because of the attention I give her.
Will I get these things? Mostly. Just not the girl.