A long time ago, in the summer of 2008, I met some new friends. These friends weren't like any other friends I used to have. These friends would become the first that would lift me up in times of sorrow. These friends would also help me always put others before myself. Yet over the years, I drifted apart from them and they from me. There is only one left that I still try to stay in contact with. It's not working out too well but it's better than nothing. I loved these friends with all my heart. I used to mean something to them, I used to be needed. Now, I'm almost forgotten, my deeds disintegrating. Who would remember what I did for them? Who would remember how I lifted them up and how they lifted me up? Who would remember those long nights and the comfort that was given? Huh.
Well, it's me again. What more do I get to whine about today? Letsee... I only got one little spatch I gotta say. I'm such an optimist, it's almost sickening. I keep saying that I won't fall in love again, or even have feelings for a girl again, but unfortunately, they keep coming back. There's this one girl at my work who I find to be attractive, both in physical form and personality. She smiles at me every time I walk by and I can't help but laugh every time she does smile at me. I always ask, "What'd I do?" She'd say, "Oh nothing." I'd say afterwards, "You always smile at me every time I walk by. It makes me feel like I did something that I don't know about." She would turn her head to the bags, still grinning. I better not be falling. That's the last thing I need. Another relationship that will last only two months. Wonderful. What'll even be worse is when I can not tell her how I feel. Oh crap. I'm feeling.
Pretty sad that I can't let go of this blog huh? It is extremely theraputic for me. It helps me get all my thoughts out so I can sleep well. Hmm, where do I begin? Well, it feels like I won't ever amount to anything. My dad gave me this long talk about how I'm lucky that I'm a Native American because of all the scholarships that I could get. What's the use of that when I'm just a lazy kid? There's all this potential money that I could get but I'm just too lazy to do anything about it. You can thank my mom's genes for that one. I just... I don't know. There's just too much that I want. I want to be free of the addiction that holds me bound, I want to go to a school that actually has an excellent music program, I want to have my life all figured out. There's one thing I don't want. I don't want to fall in love ever again. I'd rather live my life alone. What woman would possibly want me when I'm still fighting my addiction? None. I don't deserve one. I don't want one. I hope I'm meant to spend my life alone. I could get a cabin of my own and I could provide for just myself.
Am I being selfish? Most likely so. I just want to live a happy life or at the least, be content with what I have. I want to find that girl that will complete me in every way and legitimitely love me and not just because of the attention I give her.
Will I get these things? Mostly. Just not the girl.
I've decided that my blog is far too depressing and it definitely needs a change. So therefore, I shall make a new blog with a whole new purpose, which shall be explained in it's newest post. So see you later!
As one musician to another, this collaboration brought a very beautiful result. I hope for two things.
One: Perhaps we shall see more amazing collaborations with other artists :). It matters not who it is with, as long as something truly amazing is brought about and if you find joy within it.
Two: Perhaps one day we shall collaborate. Hahaha, it may seem like a dream that could possibly never be realized, but I have hope. I may be a simple cellist and a composer, but maybe someday I’ll have the honor of joining you in creating a new song that will remain with us for the rest of our lives, and beyond.
Hahaha, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this at all. It’s much like my belief in Santa Claus and the Polar Express. However, there is that small part of me that believes that they are real. That same part believes that perhaps you’ll stumble upon this post and wonder who this stranger is. When that day comes, be sure to tell me, eh?
The boy found himself walking in some distant land. Walking along the side of a road with no sign of civilization in sight. He kept on walking. As he walked on, he reflected upon past memories. He forsook all companionship, all his friendships, all for one purpose. To find himself and to find salvation for himself. He gave it all up for an addiction that he continued to fight. A war that never seemed to end. Perhaps, he first thought, if he left it all behind, he would never have to revert back to his addiction and suffer another relapse. If he left it behind, he wouldn't have to feel the heartbreak that came with love, or ever fear of losing his friends. Now that he's here, the boy wondered if this is what he really wanted. If he really wanted to wander for the rest of his life, with no family or friends to visit with him. He was almost certain that this is what he wanted. This was for his salvation. If there was no temptation, there was no suffering, no anger, and no depression. He would never have to feel hurt ever again.
A boy with a clouded heart, who tries to do what's right.
A boy with a heart of gold, who fell into the darkness and fought his way back into the light.
A girl with a bright heart, who loves without thought.
A girl with a loving heart, who learned to trust without fear.
A girl with a light heart, who loves the fantasy world.
Well, it's been a while since I was last back here. The thunderstorms visited me more than twice in a week. It always brought me peace of mind and comfort. I have recently been looking back upon my life and upon these previous blog posts and I figured out why I was able to write stuff like that. It was because of her, who I shall never speak of again, never talk to again, and hopefully, never see again. Why am I being so cruel? Because I was the one that drove her away. I tried to get close to her, earn her approval, and rushed it instead of taking my time to try to be her friend. For this, she told me to leave her alone for I was a nuisance. I don't blame her. However, it hurt a lot.
It's a curious thing. Everytime something bad like this happens, I find later that there was a lesson that I was supposed to learn from these unpleasant experiences. Before I often wondered why I was supposed to meet her and then drive her away unintentionally. Now I understand why. It was so I could learn to keep my distance and learn patience. That's how I won the other girl's heart and caused me to love again.
There are times though when I wonder what could've happened if only I had kept my distance. But I don't let it trouble me or concern me. For those who are wrapped up in the past will surely miss the future. I still wonder how she is and if she's doing well. I don't hate her or even dislike her. I just can't help but wonder if she's alright.
The lover had to know,
She begs him not to go.
The fighter wraps his ghost,
The fighter says "I know, I know, I know."
Just this one last time,
I swear you'll still be mine.
But he can't promise much,
He calls for one last touch,
one last touch.
Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.
The fighter goes inside,
Dark is creeping in.
He screams with all his might,
And all that might again.
And she's in love with you,
That love was always real.
He never even saw the squeak,
She calls out his name, calls his name.
Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely,
Maybe we were meant to be on our own,
Loneliness has always been with me, with me,
Maybe we don't have to be all alone.
Life begins on Wednesday. I move out from my home and move into my apartment. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. What unexpected surprises that will come my way or the life changing events that will begin to define me. Am I concerned with my love life? No. Whatever happens, happens. If I do find love, then brilliant. If not, then so be it.
Long time no see. I graduate in less than two weeks. I am halfway done with my Eagle Project. Did I also mention that I am stressed out of my freaking mind? I keep having all these doubts in my head, all these nagging little things that are killing me.
I recently had a dream about "9 instead of 24" and it involved a cello with it and it is bugging the heck out of me because it seems to me that I know what it means, I just don't remember.
There are some friends to which I hold very dearly to my heart. Unfortunately, I'm getting that I had with old friends that lived in Smithfield. And it is scaring me to death. I don't want to let go of another set. Not again. If it is inevitable, then so be it. Don't expect to enjoy it one bit.
The Eagle project is halfway done. It is bugging me. There are some certain things that seem to start blocking it up. It's not going to stop me though. It may stress the heck out of me but it won't stop me from completing it.
I hope I can keep it together. I will be counting on the rain to relieve me of my stress, like it always has.
There's too much going on right now. There's too much to get done and there's not enough time to do it. I met a girl that threw my life out of balance. I'm so lost right now. I have my bloody Eagle project to worry about and the deadline is slowly coming upon me. I'm feeling a lot of pressure from those who want me to get this done and it's taking its toll on me. I'm stressed out of my freaking mind.
The girl. She is wonderful. However, she's throwing everything out of wack, much more so than anyone else I've known. I want to be around her because she makes me feel genuinely happy and feel really awesome. What makes me sad is that I won't be the one to win her heart, mainly because I don't deserve her love or her at all.
What I really need is to leave. I need to get out of here, live out on the road. I don't like being rooted here, I need to go. I just want to wander the forests and deserts without any fear of being lost or being found. I just want to wander the woods in peace, without a care in the world.
Hey, me, as always. I don't know what to think anymore. I want to tell her what I truly feel about her but I remember the last time I tried to become to involved in someone's life. I ended up getting burned, another page just thrown into the fire, never to be remembered again, never to be mentioned again. I don't want to become close to her either. I'm afraid that the more I become involved, the more I... ... I can't even say the word anymore. I threw it around too much. So much that I don't understand the meaning anymore. I don't even remember what it feels like to be held in such high esteem, to have someone who cares about you in a special way. I want to be able to feel like that again. To feel like that I really mean something to someone, instead of being tossed aside like a paper wad. But, I'm only a teenager. That means I'm not mature enough for these kinds of feelings. I'm more than aware of that fact and I hate it. I know that I'm not ready, but...I just want to know that I'm not dead to those feelings. I want to know if I can still feel. Instead of guilt, I want to feel purity. Let's be honest, I'm not going to get the things I want, no matter how much I wish for it. Move on? I hope so. Maybe...Living alone won't be such a bad thing.
"You should always write the name of the person you love in a circle, not a heart, because hearts break and circles last forever." - Unknown.
I guess you can kind of figure what this is about. I know this one girl. She is beautiful beyond description and she's like an angel upon the earth. She's a very happy person, she's a music lover, and she's in constant fascination with the rain and snow. Her personality is just amazing. She's just amazing in general. What she doesn't realize, however, is what she really means to me. Whenever I'm around her, I always feel happy, uplifted, and makes me want to be a much better person. Rarely do people do that for me. Another thing she does, which she'll never know, is that she protects me. The devil recently came to tempt me with an old sin that often got me in the past. This time, he didn't win. What drove him away this time was the thought of her. She somehow was like a defense or a shield that protected me. There's only one other person who did that for me. His name is Jesus Christ. Another thing she unknowingly did was this: I recently got into a kind of a fight with my sister and we didn't speak to each other for about 5 minutes. Why 5 minutes? I somehow imagined the girl gently scolding me and told me to forgive my sister. Which I did.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to show my gratitude to her for what she unknowingly did. One, it'd be creepy if I told her. Two, sometimes, it's better if these things stay quiet and within my own mind. Regardless, thank you beautiful angel. You're one of the angels I was asking for in prayer. If I'm not the one that wins your heart, then I wish the man who does with the best of luck and blessings of a long and happy life with you.
So ends Spring Break. Tomorrow, school returns. Yay. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to revisit friends and whatnot, but I'm just not looking forward to going back to school work in particular. Plus, it won't help that I have a girl that will be constantly on my mind all the time at school. It's a shame she goes to a different school than I do but what can you do? I could visit her and call her up anytime I want. Eventually, I need to go talk to her. I'm going to college in August, and a year after, my mission. I don't want to hold her down, especially in her senior year. It's going to be interesting, but I'll wait for the right moment, like I always have. Well, mostly always have but you get the point.
My parents are expecting me to get a job close to home just so I can prolong my stay at home instead of going to work at the Scout camp. One benefit from this idea would be that I'll earn more money for myself. The downside, I won't be able to leave the house that often. I need to be free. Oh well, my time will come. No matter how many times my parents try to postpone it, I will leave this house to be out on my own. They must prepare themselves for when that happens.
What I will miss the most, besides my family, are my friends. Especially those who are dearest to me. What am I going to do without them? I don't want the same thing to happen like it did with my old Smithfield friends. My purpose in their lives was fulfilled and I was no longer needed. However, it needed to happen so I could meet these friends here. Perhaps they'll stay. I hope that they'll stay...
So it's raining again today. It's always special when it rains. Whenever it does rain, I like to imagine that God made it especially for me. Like everytime I step outside, it's like the rain knows I'm outside, so it begins to rain harder, just for me. The rain is a friend that is seldom seen, but always reliable whenever it shows its face. It listens, it sympathizes, and it brings comfort. To those who pay attention, there's a sort of magic quality to it. Even though a person's heart has been shattered, it is cleansed and healed by the qualites of rain. For those who have anger and hatred against someone and the world, their hearts are cooled and their roars of fury and anguish evaporates by the soothing droplets of rain. It's even better when lightning is seen and thunder is heard. For those who seek sanctuary in the rain, it brings them hope, it uplifts them. Why? Because it gives them proof that God is there. That God exists. That God is listening. To them, it doesn't matter what will come, so long as the lightning flashes and the thunder booms, nothing will bring them down.
On this trip, I had the opportunity to visit two temples: the Idaho Falls temple and the Rexberg Idaho temple. Each time I saw those temples, a curious feeling always came to me. I felt such peace and such a calm that came over me everytime I looked at it. I always felt at home, thought I was far from home. Not only did I feel at home, I also had another thought. I am going to take my future wife to the temple. I don't know what one, but I know that I will take her to a temple. It will happen.
As I was sitting at home, just checking my Facebook page, I came to a sudden realization. My Life Starts in about two months. It's scaring me half to death. I'm graduating in June! After graduation, it's scout camp counselor until August, then Snow College Fall Semester, then after that, I'll be going on my mission once I turn 19. It's coming too fast for me. Granted, I really wanted to be out of high school but now that it's becoming reality, it's scaring me. It's really scaring me. It's like the deep breathe before the plunge off the cliff. I really don't know what to expect in the upcoming years. What trials await me. Not a clue. I've had ideas before but that was because I knew what to expect for the next year. Not this time. This time, I'll be on my own, away from my parents, for the first time, I'm on my own. I'll have to provide for myself. How the heck am I gonna do that?!
Then there's the heart matter. To be honest, that frightens me more than anything. As each day passes, I get the strangest feeling. She's getting closer. It's exciting but also really scary. However, I learned something recently from the 181st General Conference, from President Monson. I have to be the one, not look for the one. I just need to be the best I can be, and she'll find me that way. I always have wondered who she will be. What she is like. All I can say is, I hope she's like me, a kindred spirit if you will. I don't know, I'm scared out of my mind. All I know is that I'm supposed to trust and rely upon the Lord and He'll take care of the rest. Gotta get into that mind set in the upcoming months. I know He'll be listening, He just needs to make sure I don't get lost as I go out into the world. Here goes nothing, wish me luck, and see you whenever it rains.
"It has been far too long since our last chat, son of man."
Why are you back?
"I seek your destruction."
That you are. What brings you here serpent?
"You lost friends. You lost so many. Why is that?"
You know exactly why.
"Tell me, it's very satisfying to hear."
"Come, come, tell me. I'm not going anywhere."
"Stubborn child. I will tell you myself."
I already know.
"It was all due to your own mistakes."
"You didn't want to lose those dear to you but you lost them anyway."
"All because you thought they were going to leave you. Isn't it ironic that in the end, it was you who drove them away?"
"Do you? Even after they left, you lost another one. Then another disappeared. You almost lost another. So tell me, why haven't you learned your lesson stupid boy?"
...I have learned. I had divine intervention with that one.
"I think it was luck that saved that friendship."
It wasn't luck. I don't believe in luck.
"I do, which is how I got everyone else hooked on it."
"You keep saying that, but I keep returning. It's almost as if you keep bringing me back."
Liar. You come back of your own will and with that will, you try to impose it upon me and countless others.
"Sure works on the majority. My tactics will only continue to advance. Once you leave your home, I'm coming after you with a renewed force."
You're biding your time.
"Precicely. I'll be at your doorstep."
"I'll be back son of man, I'll be back."
Also, I'm a son of God. Get it right.
"Force of habit. My apologies, O mighty Son of God."
"You'll see me again. I guarrantee it."
Pray for the missing. Pray for the lost. Pray for the passed on. Pray for those who can't find their way. Pray for those who are seeking to be heard. Pray for those searching desparately for purpose. Pray for those searching desparately to be loved. Pray for those who are empty and broken. Pray for those who are afraid. Pray for those who are abused. Pray for those who are neglected. Pray for those struggling to stay alive. Pray for those who abuse themselves. Pray for those who are homeless. Pray for those struck with disease. Pray for the parentless. Pray for those who hate themselves. Pray for the parent who lost their child. Pray for those who lost someone dear to them. Pray for those who hide their scars. Pray for those who have scars.
This is a plea unto all who know those going through these things. Including yourself.
Well, I do have one piece of good news. I resolved the problem between my friend and I so everything is all good. However, another problem has come up into my life. When I look at my future ahead, it seems less likely that I'm heading to college no am I going to be a good cellist. I read about this one cellist who said he practiced for 3 hours every day. I don't have that kind of time or discipline to do that. That's the one trait I hate about myself is that I don't have that discipline to keep myself practicing. I got to a point where I think I don't need to practice. Unfortunately, I am very, very wrong. I need the practice but I can't get myself to understand that. It needs to happen eventually, not by outside forces, but by my own will.
Me and my mouth. I always seem to have a way of screwing things up for myself. I ranted about Justin Bieber fans and I have offended a couple of people who were Justin Bieber fans. So, I feel like crap. I am not looking forward to going to school tomorrow. So what I plan on doing is not speaking a word for a whole week and plan on avoiding everyone for a while now. Basically, going back to how I was before Junior year. Back to one of my personal hells. Not speaking, being alone, talking to no one but myself. Why do I screw these things up for myself? What makes me say these things without thinking? They say it only takes one bad deed to break many good deeds. I think I destroyed my friendships. The one thing I never wanted to do. Yet, I did it anyway. What kind of a friend am I?
"How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after..."
I'm one strange soul. You know, there are those people who like being in the city and think that everything happens in the city. Then there are those few who do not like the city. Those people like the small towns in isolated places, kinda like out in the middle of nowhere. I'm one of those people. I'll admit it, the city sometimes has its charms. But living in the city? It ain't worth it. I'm sorry but it ain't worth it. There's too much noise, too much light, and too much drama. I believe myself to be a person with a young body and an old spirit. I always seem to have a curiousity for things ancient and old. It makes me feel uplifted, especially when I'm in an old, small town, like Beaver, UT, for example. I think the reason why I like small towns so much is because of two things. One: It's a place of memories old and almost forgotten. I'm a geek when it comes to that. There's just so much history there, it's completely fascinating to me. Two: because a town is classified as a "small town," I like to think that everyone in that town seems to know each other. My dad grew up in Blanding, and that's how he described living in a small town. Everyone seemed to know each other, establishing a sort of connection with one another. Being the person that I am, I want to be in a place where I know a lot of people and are friends with them. Plus, I like how those towns are away from the city, away from light pollution and stuff like that, so I can see the stars better. Some prefer cities, others prefer small towns. To each his own.
The boy layed upon his bed, still wishing, still dreaming, still wondering. His thoughts constantly wandered to those he let go of. Those he probably wouldn't ever see again. Yet, he could not help but think of them. He loved them dearly to his heart. The boy had done much for those missing from his life, and the missing had done much for him. They helped him understand who he was and helped shape him into who he is now. The boy began missing them even more. He began to formulate ideas that would help him see them again. But he struck each one of them down, knowing that they would not work. What could he do? What can he do?
The boy grabbed his keys, ran out the door, and turned on the car. He waited for a few minutes for his car to warm up and then pulled out of the driveway into the streetlit road. The boy couldn't stay much longer here. He needed to leave this city. This city full of bustling cars, jammed up freeways, and parking lots filled with litter and shopping karts. The boy followed State Street and then turned a right on 8th North and continued onward. He would pass by his friend's house soon and for a second, wondered if he should take his friend with him. The boy continued on. His friend doesn't need to go. He was always quite content with life anyway. He wouldn't understand. The boy reached an intersection and wondered which way he should go. Either way would be fine. He then chose the left road which led him to a canyon road. He followed the road until he reached a shady woodland road. The boy breahted out a sigh of relief. He finally got away from the city of concrete into the refuge of the forest road. The boy felt at peace as he followed the leaf ridden road up the mountain side. He opened his window, took a breath of cold, crisp air and knew he was home. The boy reached the summit of the mountain and looked down upon the streetlit city. It looked beautiful from here, but only he knew what was held within the city. The boy looked up into the cloudy grey sky and then saw a tiny snowflake fall upon his eye. He then looked around him and saw that it was snowing. It was strange. Even though the snow was supposed to be cold, he inexplicably felt warm on the outside and the inside.
The boy wasn't quite sure where he was now. It looked like a snow fall city. It was night time. The boy walked around to see if he could find anyone in the snowy night. All he saw was the pale streetlights all along the road. It wasn't dark, due to the snow. He continued to walk, not knowing who he would meet. All at once, he heard a song that made his heart leap. He heard bells and music coming from somewhere. He heard someone singing, "Stay with me, stay with me, the refuge from these broken dreams, wait right here, awake with me, on silent snow filled streets..." The boy heard the bells much louder this time, filling his heart with warmth on the cold snowy night. He walked until he found the source of the bells, coming from a tall and beautiful cathedral. He reached the entrance of the stone building and entered in. The boy found the cathedral to be very warm and comforting. The boy sat on a bench and listened to the bells from that New York City cathedral.
It was a new year. Six more months until the boy would finally graduate. Yet, the boy's mind wasn't on his graduation. Memories of the past began to visit him. Old friends, old heartbreaks. He missed them. They would never know but he missed his old friends terribly. He thought he would forget about them, just as they forgot about him but they never left his mind. He found himself wondering about what was going on in their lives, if they needed him again, like they did before. The boy knew, however, that he was never going to find out. He wouldn't be able to meet them again. He already said his farewells on that graduation day in 2010. They, however, didn't know that it was the last time they would see the boy. The boy felt tears welling up on that painful day. Yet, the boy had the strangest feeling when he went to their graduation on that campus. Like he was supposed to go there for some purpose. Would he ever go there? The boy didn't know. He felt he should follow his own path instead of following his friends. But the boy longed to see them again, to see their happy, smiling faces again.