The Decision

Life decisions are the hardest ones to make, I find.  Life decisions are not ones to be taken lightly like any other decision you make.  It's tough, sometimes near impossible, depending on the situation.  After you make the decision, you wonder, "Did I do the right thing? Was I supposed to make that decision?"  Sometimes, you will hate yourself for making that decision. But the thing is, there was a reason for it. A purpose that will show itself when the time is right, after you have made that decision. 

Many find that one of life's hardest decisions involves relationships.  Break ups.  Taking a chance on someone.  Mostly the decision to break-up with someone.  Now, granted, there are reasons for a break-up. But the question is this: What if the relationship was going very well and you had to end it for no reason at all? It's one that raises eyebrows and questions the motive of that person.  Why end it when all is well?  Why break their hearts and your own in the process for a something based on a hunch or a gut-feeling?

I'm a person who relies upon such gut-feelings.  It helps me know what others are feeling.  It lets me know when something, good or bad, is about to happen.  I find that such feelings are never, ever wrong.  But, what if it meant ending something so wonderful?  Something that you will hate yourself for?

Now, I've always been the break-upee, never the break-upper.  I stand for the idea that you should never hurt a person in any way possible.  But I recently made a decision.  A decision that was almost impossible for me to do.  Be the break-upper.  I hated the process with a passion.  It was against what I stood for.  I repeat, I hated it.  I broke her heart, and shattered mine in the process.  The thought that constantly plagued me was, did I make the right decision?  I'm told that I did make the right decision. But I don't know if I should believe it myself.  I don't break hearts.  I don't shatter them.  I mend, heal, and preserve the heart.  Yet here I am, the first time I broke a heart.  It's not something to be proud of.  Ever. 

So I had an encounter with her today.  It was way awkward...she asked if we could still be friends, to which I replied yes.  But the thing is, she pretty much hates my guts right now.  Will she forgive me? I don't know.  But I cannot dwell on the past.  I must continue onward.  Gotta keep going.  I learned my lesson.  Let's hope I don't make the same mistake again....

-From the Journal Entry of Spartan-250. Date: 8/7/2010